apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I understand Curling. That high.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.