I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!