i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
