Texts From Last Night · tk420's Favorites

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tk420's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(573): View more from Missouri

So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(303): View more from Colorado

mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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(416): View more from Toronto

She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(818): View more from California

All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(770): View more from Georgia

A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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(404): View more from Georgia

No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(845): View more from New York

You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(360): View more from Washington

Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(518): View more from New York

for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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