I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.