Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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