A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
two words: eviction party
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside