I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The pigeons can smell the fear
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i think my cat just said my name.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
my mouth tastes like poor choices
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
seriously i just wanna be friends
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
wanna go halves on a baby?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think my fart just growled at me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?