When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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