While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
should my penis look like a turkey
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she peed on how many people?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?