I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sex on roller skates
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party