manny181's Favorites Texts:

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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Playing nyquil pong with a cat again

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  (931): Playing nyquil pong with a cat again http://tfl.nu/9ic0
  Replies (2) Good night (475) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  you have the best friends

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  (512): they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze (1-512): you have the best friends http://tfl.nu/c4bj
  Replies (4) Good night (2339) Bad night (284)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
  Replies (11) Good night (1847) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.

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  (623): That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party. http://tfl.nu/6ozh
  Replies (12) Good night (393) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.

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  (512): Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate. http://tfl.nu/mywp
  Replies (5) Good night (470) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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  (302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad http://tfl.nu/cr01
  Replies (6) Good night (1654) Bad night (252) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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  (406): I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive http://tfl.nu/6hck
  Replies (3) Good night (1109) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(

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  (530): they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :( http://tfl.nu/bt8b
  Replies (2) Good night (710) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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  (925): I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off. http://tfl.nu/d0dp
  Replies (5) Good night (1264) Bad night (252) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.

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  (727): I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate. http://tfl.nu/o1ey
  Replies (5) Good night (1382) Bad night (247)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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  (914): I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot. http://tfl.nu/25dg
  Replies (9) Good night (865) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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  (207): He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ. http://tfl.nu/rtl1
  Replies (25) Good night (9312) Bad night (828)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
  Replies (10) Good night (8140) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

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  (610): He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks http://tfl.nu/aq4e
  Replies (8) Good night (2246) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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  (603): I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities http://tfl.nu/wabu
  Replies (6) Good night (3114) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Wat

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  (612): There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday. (763): like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo (612): Wat http://tfl.nu/5jqo
  Replies (5) Good night (1521) Bad night (344)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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  (314): shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help http://tfl.nu/q76e
  Replies (6) Good night (1410) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat

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  (303): There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat http://tfl.nu/blab
  Replies (5) Good night (1791) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career

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  (207): DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career http://tfl.nu/7wgi
  Replies (8) Good night (1941) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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  (716): definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush. http://tfl.nu/3ehj
  Replies (6) Good night (711) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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  (413): Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?! http://tfl.nu/jygw
  Replies (18) Good night (1860) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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  (714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it. http://tfl.nu/eanx
  Replies (24) Good night (1015) Bad night (11707) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

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  (262): You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose http://tfl.nu/d8zc
  Replies (6) Good night (1432) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.

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  (610): Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls. http://tfl.nu/zc4i
  Replies (6) Good night (879) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.

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  (219): I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night. http://tfl.nu/4hgv
  Replies (7) Good night (328) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.

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  (660): What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food. http://tfl.nu/k4pm
  Replies (10) Good night (1016) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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  (619): But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection. http://tfl.nu/g9u5
  Replies (18) Good night (628) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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  (209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now. (209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4. http://tfl.nu/hx3p
  Replies (9) Good night (1883) Bad night (612)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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  (403): The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume. http://tfl.nu/nbz2
  Replies (5) Good night (2084) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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  (602): Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake http://tfl.nu/7ejr
  Replies (6) Good night (2162) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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  (864): Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that. http://tfl.nu/ou7s
  Replies (6) Good night (1897) Bad night (307)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have a surprise for you guys

  (937): View more from Ohio

  What is it?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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  (740): I have a surprise for you guys (937): What is it? (740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS http://tfl.nu/bt31
  Replies (20) Good night (3752) Bad night (360)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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  (574): I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed. http://tfl.nu/w2ei
  Replies (7) Good night (1499) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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  (630): Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick." http://tfl.nu/sgnz
  Replies (13) Good night (679) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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  (937): I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it. http://tfl.nu/wtlk
  Replies (8) Good night (2196) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Are you already high?

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  (262): Do I really need this much space in my mouth? (414): Are you already high? http://tfl.nu/waj8
  Replies (10) Good night (1180) Bad night (271)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
  Replies (16) Good night (7593) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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  (616): bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store http://tfl.nu/dcxn
  Replies (7) Good night (3262) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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  (570): I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair http://tfl.nu/vjbt
  Replies (3) Good night (733) Bad night (1197) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (17) Good night (1527) Bad night (2125) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
  Replies (21) Good night (4151) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

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  (610): yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely http://tfl.nu/qwih
  Replies (7) Good night (2772) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.

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  (724): If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet. http://tfl.nu/ik1n
  Replies (4) Good night (641) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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  (901): No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state. http://tfl.nu/kqwr
  Replies (8) Good night (1076) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
  Replies (10) Good night (1919) Bad night (341)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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  (724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~ http://tfl.nu/ka83
  Replies (6) Good night (1622) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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  (215): she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/hoyt
  Replies (8) Good night (788) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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  (714): Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to. http://tfl.nu/rk2y
  Replies (5) Good night (514) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6961) Bad night (790)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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  (870): It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina http://tfl.nu/15cg
  Replies (31) Good night (3738) Bad night (1313) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous

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  (304): The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous http://tfl.nu/w3if
  Replies (4) Good night (771) Bad night (1917) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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  (708): She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life. http://tfl.nu/33lt
  Replies (8) Good night (2601) Bad night (1562) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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  (954): had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her http://tfl.nu/teql
  Replies (15) Good night (958) Bad night (5367) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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  (321): I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this. http://tfl.nu/3qlv
  Replies (11) Good night (1702) Bad night (359)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other

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  (425): The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other http://tfl.nu/h7kl
  Replies (4) Good night (686) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday

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  (724): On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday http://tfl.nu/c6y1
  Replies (3) Good night (1285) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

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  (734): Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/2s7h
  Replies (9) Good night (1411) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
  Replies (10) Good night (3032) Bad night (513)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.

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  (740): I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper. http://tfl.nu/p7ov
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere

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  (312): She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere http://tfl.nu/ps2s
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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  (615): The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun http://tfl.nu/o67z
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.

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  (706): You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT. http://tfl.nu/osv9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm bringing the tv in with me.

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  (630): Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice. (309): I'm bringing the tv in with me. http://tfl.nu/mqt8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

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  (610): We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature (610): Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti http://tfl.nu/iam9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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  (215): There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut. http://tfl.nu/e6c8
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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  (906): I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day. http://tfl.nu/pyr7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...

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  (815): High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes... http://tfl.nu/ssal
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  (909): View more from California

  I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

  (1-909): View more from California

  Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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  (909): I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets. (1-909): Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon. http://tfl.nu/867u
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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  (207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP. http://tfl.nu/nipi
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month

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  (517): well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month http://tfl.nu/fhen
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  (805): View more from California

  No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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  (805): No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard. http://tfl.nu/br69
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  (863): View more from Florida

  So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

  (1-863): View more from Florida

  You're a fucking train wreck.

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  (863): So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal. (1-863): You're a fucking train wreck. http://tfl.nu/4qd3
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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  (216): Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left. http://tfl.nu/jvbq
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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  (972): I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan. http://tfl.nu/tlw1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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  (248): Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime. http://tfl.nu/xtk5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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  (732): got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance http://tfl.nu/oovm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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  (704): Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox. http://tfl.nu/wyx0
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I decided to mark my territory.

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  (309): Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket? (1-309): I decided to mark my territory. http://tfl.nu/6hzp
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

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  (910): Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares? http://tfl.nu/w5f4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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  (832): i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus http://tfl.nu/kvpc
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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  (907): Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life http://tfl.nu/0u5y
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  (516): View more from New York

  So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence

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  (516): So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence http://tfl.nu/140k
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  (619): View more from California

  Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

  (1-619): View more from California

  I am not bailing you of of jail

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  (619): Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now.. (1-619): I am not bailing you of of jail http://tfl.nu/exjk
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  (951): View more from California

  omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

  (951): View more from California

  dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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  (951): omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited (951): dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles http://tfl.nu/4z6p
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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  (719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!" http://tfl.nu/n0v3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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  (720): i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today? http://tfl.nu/v6y2
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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  (419): When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all. http://tfl.nu/xpv5
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You're an idiot.

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  (662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles? (1-662): You're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/2n3l
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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  (609): You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop http://tfl.nu/nra3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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  (406): I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina http://tfl.nu/3xqs
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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  (501): Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill? http://tfl.nu/quyz
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  (707): View more from California

  you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

  (1-707): View more from California

  yeah, you wanna come?

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  (707): you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store? (1-707): yeah, you wanna come? http://tfl.nu/465p
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  (631): View more from New York

  Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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  (631): Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole http://tfl.nu/78ec
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  (917): View more from New York City

  hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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  (917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  and u failed math?

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  (651): 2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people (763): and u failed math? http://tfl.nu/331s
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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  (248): Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend. http://tfl.nu/0gh5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Sex on roller skates

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Floating mattress

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Tie

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  (301): Sex on roller skates (202): Floating mattress (301): Tie http://tfl.nu/1xsm
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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  (734): Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out. http://tfl.nu/s89t
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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  (802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel. http://tfl.nu/xk67
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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  (570): the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year. http://tfl.nu/g3sd
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  (858): View more from California

  I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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  (858): I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake http://tfl.nu/hoqc
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  (209): View more from California

  His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.

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  (209): His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired. http://tfl.nu/zopw
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

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  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60

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  (618): I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60 http://tfl.nu/6i7r
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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  (479): My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day. http://tfl.nu/2m2t
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  (310): View more from California

  OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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  (310): OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS? http://tfl.nu/ewib
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  (607): View more from New York

  The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.

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  (607): The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude. http://tfl.nu/ttzr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

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  (208): Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend? http://tfl.nu/u4ww
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  (916): View more from California

  No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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  (916): No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace. http://tfl.nu/5hw2
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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  (616): If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there. http://tfl.nu/w9jg
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  (813): View more from Florida

  i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license

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  (813): i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license http://tfl.nu/t0ir
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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  (616): She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross http://tfl.nu/ueo2
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  (713): View more from Texas

  My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal

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  (713): My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal http://tfl.nu/z8hr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.

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  (703): just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail. http://tfl.nu/7539
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes

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  (501): I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes http://tfl.nu/3ixk
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are you alive?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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  (204): Are you alive? (1-204): I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all. http://tfl.nu/y639
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

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  (850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong. http://tfl.nu/d58h
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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  (813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life. http://tfl.nu/zrqp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I just did the classiest thing ever.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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  (440): I just did the classiest thing ever. (216): last time you said that you got chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/33ag
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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  (804): Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3. http://tfl.nu/mf94
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.

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  (603): You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win. http://tfl.nu/zmbp
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

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  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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  (571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. http://tfl.nu/nr6f
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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  (808): And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up. http://tfl.nu/dab6
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

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  (520): I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito" http://tfl.nu/vbc5
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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  (905): I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn". http://tfl.nu/2c8a
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

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  (248): Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/xu6p
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Not okay.

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  (503): Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car! (503): Not okay. http://tfl.nu/moe1
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.

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  (402): I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack. http://tfl.nu/jydf
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  (716): View more from New York

  The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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  (716): The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man. http://tfl.nu/vdpw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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  (703): No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me http://tfl.nu/mnmv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito

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  (702): I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito http://tfl.nu/vmgk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  why would you automatically assume i'm high...

  (240): View more from Maryland

  you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.

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  (301): why would you automatically assume i'm high... (240): you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix. http://tfl.nu/8cui
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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  (412): I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night http://tfl.nu/c70m
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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  (406): I would watch the shit out of some full house right now. http://tfl.nu/5ksj
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  (415): View more from California

  We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

  (916): View more from California

  Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

  (415): View more from California

  HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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  (415): We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002. (916): Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening. (415): HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone. http://tfl.nu/fe9v
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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  (304): You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather http://tfl.nu/giov
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

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  (862): Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons http://tfl.nu/m8s3
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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  (409): Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo http://tfl.nu/65rk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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  (360): thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking http://tfl.nu/sj60
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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  (770): You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/2qpc
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Can I come over?

  (786): View more from Florida

  Can't... I'm at class right now.

  (305): View more from Florida

  No your not

  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm outside by your car.

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  (305): Can I come over? (786): Can't... I'm at class right now. (305): No your not (305): I'm outside by your car. http://tfl.nu/le7d
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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  (407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night. http://tfl.nu/8tsr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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  (208): I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome. http://tfl.nu/laeb
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  (951): View more from California

  I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it

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  (951): I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it http://tfl.nu/eb7i
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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  (614): John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it. http://tfl.nu/stvk
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  That literally makes no sense

  (406): View more from Montana

  Exactly

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  (406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt (1-406): That literally makes no sense (406): Exactly http://tfl.nu/db6l
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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  (801): He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid http://tfl.nu/81ik
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

  (850): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm going back tonight

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  (270): Her idea of kinky involved a tazer (850): wtf? (270): I'm going back tonight http://tfl.nu/a9kb
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

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  (770): i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina http://tfl.nu/n7ey
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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  (201): I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free. http://tfl.nu/mbnk
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.

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  (+44): This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night. http://tfl.nu/3g1n
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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  (812): Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/ok5q
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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  (860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs http://tfl.nu/e3vg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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  (513): I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate. http://tfl.nu/sg11
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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  (828): I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since. http://tfl.nu/iexd
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry about it.

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  (217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave? (1-217): Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/f5vn
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
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  (315): View more from New York

  Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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  (315): Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/1db0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

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  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.

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  (804): Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now. http://tfl.nu/gokp
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  (650): View more from California

  I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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  (650): I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats. http://tfl.nu/rm40
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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  (574): So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap. (574): Side Note: My mute button doesn't work. http://tfl.nu/2spl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.

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  (330): Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/sax7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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  (419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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  (330): He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me. http://tfl.nu/bsc2
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

  (+48): View more from Poland

  Poland

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  (+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you? (+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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  (248): I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose. http://tfl.nu/jv76
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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  (413): She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker. (1-413): That's effing brilliant. We should start a business. http://tfl.nu/l4ou
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  (512): View more from Texas

  they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version

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  (512): they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version http://tfl.nu/ectn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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  (404): Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant". http://tfl.nu/1jgx
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dont have a dog?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  WTF

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  (774): im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it (508): I dont have a dog? (774): WTF http://tfl.nu/8rlm
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  Now it's a party.

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  (270): A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face. (1-270): Now it's a party. http://tfl.nu/6390
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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  (774): If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?" (774): It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?" http://tfl.nu/cbil
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  (310): View more from California

  This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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  (310): This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to. http://tfl.nu/veao
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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  (508): Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this http://tfl.nu/b1b0
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib

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  (843): my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib http://tfl.nu/rp9w
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Glow parties are what I live for

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Your priorities in life astound me

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  (204): Glow parties are what I live for (1-204): Your priorities in life astound me http://tfl.nu/wtnz
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  (607): View more from New York

  Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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  (607): Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night. http://tfl.nu/v41h
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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  (972): I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in. http://tfl.nu/6wlf
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  (607): View more from New York

  You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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  (607): You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive. http://tfl.nu/27zg
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  (509): View more from Washington

  you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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  (509): you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/fzjz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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  (203): I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion http://tfl.nu/g8mo
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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  (605): I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming. http://tfl.nu/djrq
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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  (775): He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend (1-775): I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman http://tfl.nu/d80q
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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  (902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us http://tfl.nu/ltgm
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  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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  (605): I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway... http://tfl.nu/fmfe
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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  (715): just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever. http://tfl.nu/r25i
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  (916): View more from California

  So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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  (916): So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones. http://tfl.nu/pw89
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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  (513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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  (608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave http://tfl.nu/ay74
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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  (570): Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least. http://tfl.nu/etpi
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet

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  (812): He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet http://tfl.nu/4ir7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Yeah he's good at that.

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  (407): I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts. (904): Yeah he's good at that. http://tfl.nu/ekc4
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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  (806): Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party. http://tfl.nu/ld7o
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You almost married that.

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  (412): Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower. (1-412): You almost married that. http://tfl.nu/nlo1
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

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  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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  (641): Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone http://tfl.nu/y7a4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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  (724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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  (905): I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental http://tfl.nu/iday
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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  (805): I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you. http://tfl.nu/4mkg
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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  (715): i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts http://tfl.nu/loq4
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  (305): View more from Florida

  So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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  (305): So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor. http://tfl.nu/ur1k
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.

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  (706): Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon. http://tfl.nu/nu6w
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.

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  (701): She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv. http://tfl.nu/rbou
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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  (508): I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right. http://tfl.nu/agio
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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  (406): You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior. http://tfl.nu/tu51
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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  (541): And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch http://tfl.nu/6s8v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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  (412): Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out. http://tfl.nu/chur
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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  (515): You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it. http://tfl.nu/irby
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  (916): View more from California

  He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.

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  (916): He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head. http://tfl.nu/7dxe
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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  (705): He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment. http://tfl.nu/68lb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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  (717): He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes. http://tfl.nu/uq08
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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  (941): Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains http://tfl.nu/tyep
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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  (508): So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test. http://tfl.nu/gxsj
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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  (303): we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us http://tfl.nu/pmf4
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  (845): View more from New York

  Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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  (845): Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches." http://tfl.nu/j5or
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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  (709): By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco. http://tfl.nu/8qs4
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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  (541): theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house? http://tfl.nu/uvha
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  (845): View more from New York

  We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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  (845): We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer. http://tfl.nu/d9h5
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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  (305): Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement. http://tfl.nu/gpxv
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  (925): View more from California

  Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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  (925): Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night? (1-925): Come on man nobody wants to admit that http://tfl.nu/8oz0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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  (314): You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left. http://tfl.nu/9ybp
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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  (250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza. http://tfl.nu/3z2i
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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  (270): I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement http://tfl.nu/ql20
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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  (206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story. http://tfl.nu/xxuj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Me specifically?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Yep.

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  (903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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  (765): Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me. http://tfl.nu/xef4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow

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  (609): if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow http://tfl.nu/srq6
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap

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  (281): Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap http://tfl.nu/xw89
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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  (615): we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress. http://tfl.nu/a7a3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

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  (703): You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter. http://tfl.nu/b2tf
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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  (606): This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce. http://tfl.nu/gzhr
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  (415): View more from California

  I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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  (415): I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number? http://tfl.nu/po3x
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield

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  (401): She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield http://tfl.nu/quct
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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  (240): Apparently you can coat check a keg. http://tfl.nu/sdmi
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  People are yelling about how much they want you here.

  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.

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  (651): People are yelling about how much they want you here. (563): I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled. http://tfl.nu/lpre
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I can't see you

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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  (847): I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers (847): I can't see you (847): I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche http://tfl.nu/kp05
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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  (705): She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow. http://tfl.nu/x1mn
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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  (931): I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house http://tfl.nu/8rln
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
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  (845): View more from New York

  if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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  (845): if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party http://tfl.nu/vtss
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