okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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