I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm lost and stupid without you.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
You smell like stripper and shame
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk