Texts From Last Night

Heinke's Favorites Texts:

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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  (202): I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part. http://tfl.nu/p8tj
  Replies (2) Good night (140) Bad night (451)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.

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  (502): If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it. http://tfl.nu/bxd5
  Replies (0) Good night (91) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

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  (226): You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!" http://tfl.nu/6320
  Replies (1) Good night (400) Bad night (89) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.

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  (734): Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink. http://tfl.nu/pqtj
  Replies (1) Good night (133) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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  (423): hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT. http://tfl.nu/qhme
  Replies (5) Good night (1309) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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  (816): Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire. http://tfl.nu/gpak
  Replies (5) Good night (739) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?

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  (707): My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day? http://tfl.nu/zsu8
  Replies (7) Good night (237) Bad night (705)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

  (702): View more from Nevada

  you puked ON HER

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  (775): she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much (702): you puked ON HER http://tfl.nu/qqj0
  Replies (7) Good night (267) Bad night (719)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (4) Good night (2051) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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  (978): Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad http://tfl.nu/d7yn
  Replies (6) Good night (1216) Bad night (274) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.

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  (405): Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again. http://tfl.nu/vkin
  Replies (2) Good night (556) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Moonshine marathon is never a good idea

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  (757): Moonshine marathon is never a good idea http://tfl.nu/1b2l
  Replies (6) Good night (366) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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  (817): apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon http://tfl.nu/fh3y
  Replies (2) Good night (747) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

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  (603): Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by. http://tfl.nu/jwsa
  Replies (2) Good night (933) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far

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  (407): I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far http://tfl.nu/ylx6
  Replies (1) Good night (653) Bad night (166) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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  (310): I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine" http://tfl.nu/hod3
  Replies (6) Good night (647) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.

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  (706): I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons. http://tfl.nu/pd60
  Replies (4) Good night (749) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.

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  (801): If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run. http://tfl.nu/bk6l
  Replies (4) Good night (287) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I can't wait to read your obituary.

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  (815): Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her. (507): I can't wait to read your obituary. http://tfl.nu/uin6
  Replies (4) Good night (1003) Bad night (163)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "

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  (252): Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison " http://tfl.nu/v70i
  Replies (5) Good night (306) Bad night (753)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.

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  (936): The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant. http://tfl.nu/br3c
  Replies (7) Good night (875) Bad night (410)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on

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  (609): Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on http://tfl.nu/f543
  Replies (2) Good night (683) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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  (215): tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts. http://tfl.nu/39iy
  Replies (5) Good night (1069) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
  Replies (7) Good night (1373) Bad night (188)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car

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  (202): Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car http://tfl.nu/2cza
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!

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  (805): Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well! http://tfl.nu/91dr
  Replies (3) Good night (518) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights

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  (312): I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights http://tfl.nu/amvj
  Replies (5) Good night (846) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running

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  (775): What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running http://tfl.nu/dwtn
  Replies (7) Good night (337) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.

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  (301): Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited. http://tfl.nu/b9mp
  Replies (2) Good night (645) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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  (617): We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this. http://tfl.nu/dyzt
  Replies (8) Good night (1006) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...

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  (612): He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard... http://tfl.nu/5xwe
  Replies (8) Good night (474) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna

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  (814): I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna http://tfl.nu/s83h
  Replies (11) Good night (1009) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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  (610): How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment http://tfl.nu/bnot
  Replies (4) Good night (549) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?

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  (218): Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober? http://tfl.nu/gl6q
  Replies (3) Good night (789) Bad night (205) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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  (218): There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon. http://tfl.nu/foxi
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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  (850): You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/k8oo
  Replies (2) Good night (1158) Bad night (196)
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  (619): View more from California

  Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...

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  (619): Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence... http://tfl.nu/bv13
  Replies (7) Good night (315) Bad night (1697) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.

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  (415): Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN. http://tfl.nu/d27u
  Replies (5) Good night (394) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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  (813): I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller. http://tfl.nu/9m9c
  Replies (7) Good night (368) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.

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  (417): Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/szac
  Replies (4) Good night (603) Bad night (489)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.

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  (224): i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing. http://tfl.nu/a3ha
  Replies (5) Good night (293) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
  Replies (9) Good night (1251) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.

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  (+44): First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve. http://tfl.nu/g7kr
  Replies (2) Good night (333) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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  (231): I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk. http://tfl.nu/qjr2
  Replies (4) Good night (2006) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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  (510): She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again. http://tfl.nu/2r7a
  Replies (2) Good night (501) Bad night (753)
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.

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  (226): I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off. http://tfl.nu/fkr9
  Replies (2) Good night (247) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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  (413): You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it http://tfl.nu/hn11
  Replies (6) Good night (999) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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  (218): Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off. http://tfl.nu/vd2r
  Replies (7) Good night (975) Bad night (423)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
  Replies (7) Good night (970) Bad night (208) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

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  (310): The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses. http://tfl.nu/2i38
  Replies (8) Good night (295) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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  (+49): Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/6o3i
  Replies (7) Good night (408) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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  (419): Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies. http://tfl.nu/geoh
  Replies (13) Good night (1149) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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  (563): I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/yvop
  Replies (10) Good night (528) Bad night (1072)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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  (610): alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair? http://tfl.nu/af29
  Replies (6) Good night (1166) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
  Replies (7) Good night (2388) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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  (606): I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket. http://tfl.nu/x07r
  Replies (5) Good night (542) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.

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  (412): I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass. http://tfl.nu/ocdo
  Replies (7) Good night (716) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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  (317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work. http://tfl.nu/4lb8
  Replies (13) Good night (2043) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...

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  (972): Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch... http://tfl.nu/v5jz
  Replies (11) Good night (821) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends

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  (609): Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends http://tfl.nu/v4m8
  Replies (11) Good night (444) Bad night (1267) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

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  (714): Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit? http://tfl.nu/0nii
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒

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  (540): Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒 http://tfl.nu/mpql
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  (213): View more from California

  Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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  (213): Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave. http://tfl.nu/dd7g
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  . Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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  (615): . Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this. http://tfl.nu/oczw
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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  (940): I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him. http://tfl.nu/9uqa
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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  (+61): one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire http://tfl.nu/ff4y
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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  (312): When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad? http://tfl.nu/0o5n
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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  (803): My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please. http://tfl.nu/htsn
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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  (715): Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry http://tfl.nu/21br
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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  (704): She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason. http://tfl.nu/coul
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.

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  (702): If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak. http://tfl.nu/8cng
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.

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  (289): This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break. http://tfl.nu/v46r
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

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  (907): his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord http://tfl.nu/yjwk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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  (630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win. http://tfl.nu/fnn3
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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  (828): Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado http://tfl.nu/of4e
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...

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  (970): Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out... http://tfl.nu/zr6z
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom

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  (616): Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom http://tfl.nu/kxki
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook

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  (775): Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook http://tfl.nu/cps5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.

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  (773): If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one. http://tfl.nu/q8n4
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  (212): View more from New York

  You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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  (212): You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band. http://tfl.nu/ldj0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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  (512): i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/a4iw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.

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  (206): Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it. http://tfl.nu/nkgr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude

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  (519): you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude http://tfl.nu/j4kw
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  (315): View more from New York

  What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?

  (315): View more from New York

  His step dad chiming in on the jokes.

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  (315): What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table? (315): His step dad chiming in on the jokes. http://tfl.nu/1trz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.

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  (609): The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit. http://tfl.nu/al9k
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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  (215): it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target. http://tfl.nu/jyhf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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  (904): Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time. http://tfl.nu/ddkn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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  (617): Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory. http://tfl.nu/p9v1
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.

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  (406): I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way. http://tfl.nu/wnl7
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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  (918): Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff. http://tfl.nu/mkr9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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  (248): Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower... http://tfl.nu/43yc
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
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  (713): View more from Texas

  That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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  (713): That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes. http://tfl.nu/7uvj
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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  (901): Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking. http://tfl.nu/5z7b
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

  (301): View more from Maryland

  He didn't think we needed a taxi

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  (814): I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving (301): He didn't think we needed a taxi http://tfl.nu/o7fa
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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  (248): Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/s4gv
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  (310): View more from California

  What's the address?

  (626): View more from California

  Too drunk. Just google it.

  (310): View more from California

  IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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  (310): What's the address? (626): Too drunk. Just google it. (310): IT'S YOUR HOUSE http://tfl.nu/ymw0
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  (845): View more from New York

  "Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

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  (845): "Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life. http://tfl.nu/f41e
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  (310): View more from California

  Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.

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  (310): Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack. http://tfl.nu/hyp4
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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  (907): Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen http://tfl.nu/aug1
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"

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  (973): They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!" http://tfl.nu/oehu
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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  (260): A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake? http://tfl.nu/02wx
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.

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  (801): Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches. http://tfl.nu/nznf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.

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  (248): I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night. http://tfl.nu/xi8c
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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  (570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone. http://tfl.nu/7xsv
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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  (989): walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too. http://tfl.nu/do4j
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

  (850): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm going back tonight

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  (270): Her idea of kinky involved a tazer (850): wtf? (270): I'm going back tonight http://tfl.nu/a9kb
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  (386): View more from Florida

  At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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  (386): At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"? http://tfl.nu/260m
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

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  (570): Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me? http://tfl.nu/gcj7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days

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  (781): My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days http://tfl.nu/zkdk
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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  (406): Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit. http://tfl.nu/3sfk
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  First class.

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  (609): Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass. (1-609): First class. http://tfl.nu/3mby
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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  (843): Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca. http://tfl.nu/m05t
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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  (425): Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy? http://tfl.nu/h26n
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  (607): View more from New York

  No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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  (607): No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk. http://tfl.nu/h3m8
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home

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  (916): Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home http://tfl.nu/dlwc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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  (850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life http://tfl.nu/ihqi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

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  (314): I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge. http://tfl.nu/tow2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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  (570): Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied. http://tfl.nu/2f2b
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.

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  (715): tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder. http://tfl.nu/8ixi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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  (317): Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid. http://tfl.nu/n6yk
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

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  (484): somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it http://tfl.nu/giry
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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  (+44): Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!' http://tfl.nu/w3o8
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
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  (805): View more from California

  i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

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  (805): i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns? http://tfl.nu/p7xv
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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  (+64): He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?! http://tfl.nu/rdvw
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  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
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  (760): View more from California

  new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.

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  (760): new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever. http://tfl.nu/8efz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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  (410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!" http://tfl.nu/p213
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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  (334): I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around. http://tfl.nu/tfd4
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.

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  (250): Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap. http://tfl.nu/f3x1
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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  (913): some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/2xhx
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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  (586): Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule? http://tfl.nu/p75m
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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  (717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat http://tfl.nu/dsa2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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  (425): I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing. http://tfl.nu/l5kn
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

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  (910): I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do? http://tfl.nu/00z1
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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  (630): the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed http://tfl.nu/eaof
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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  (269): he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing http://tfl.nu/dbp3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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  (405): Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card? http://tfl.nu/2f9h
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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  (512): I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun. http://tfl.nu/d4m3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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  (519): He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier. http://tfl.nu/icz2
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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  (914): Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail. http://tfl.nu/7j5r
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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  (419): You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?" http://tfl.nu/acel
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  (979): View more from Texas

  I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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  (979): I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after http://tfl.nu/y0mb
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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  (614): Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified. http://tfl.nu/iywq
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
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  (518): View more from New York

  Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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  (518): Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew. http://tfl.nu/8r8n
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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  (928): I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop. http://tfl.nu/tczb
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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  (401): She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair http://tfl.nu/x122
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  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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  (614): Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween. http://tfl.nu/cwdu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?

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  (717): Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear? http://tfl.nu/anmu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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  (832): No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin. http://tfl.nu/1p6f
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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  (216): Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket. http://tfl.nu/jk3k
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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  (618): thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame http://tfl.nu/q9yu
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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  (615): Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her... http://tfl.nu/47qs
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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  (419): I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/xmxl
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.

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  (803): Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one. http://tfl.nu/n5r8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

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  (541): Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either. http://tfl.nu/a1p0
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.

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  (314): I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property. http://tfl.nu/21gv
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
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