one two three fourrrrnication!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
