Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.