I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dating After Heartbreak
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hippo gnu deer
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?