Texts From Last Night

AkaNoise's Favorites Texts:

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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (7768) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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  (504): Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind. http://tfl.nu/yydb
  Replies (23) Good night (4690) Bad night (1577) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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  (215): we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/zo0y
  Replies (17) Good night (6964) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  no. you can't hotbox the world.

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  (973): no. you can't hotbox the world. http://tfl.nu/5as3
  Replies (54) Good night (5040) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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  (440): We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate. http://tfl.nu/v1r2
  Replies (9) Good night (1354) Bad night (4060) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  not the response he usually gets im sure.

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  (802): and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college? (1-802): not the response he usually gets im sure. http://tfl.nu/gci3
  Replies (17) Good night (1358) Bad night (3369)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.

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  (614): Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends. http://tfl.nu/odrr
  Replies (19) Good night (425) Bad night (5306) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.

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  (330): so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv. http://tfl.nu/d9vr
  Replies (60) Good night (1874) Bad night (312)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I'm in Tiajuana

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I could be

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  (706): I think I'm in Tiajuana (404): You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago (706): I could be http://tfl.nu/4kta
  Replies (13) Good night (1654) Bad night (324)
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  (631): View more from New York

  This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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  (631): This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her. http://tfl.nu/wxz7
  Replies (6) Good night (5020) Bad night (925)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how can getting a pizza be this hard?

  (817): View more from Texas

  when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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  (504): how can getting a pizza be this hard? (817): when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible http://tfl.nu/zgw8
  Replies (12) Good night (4815) Bad night (734)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
  Replies (148) Good night (10879) Bad night (1813)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  false alarm. still invincible.

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  (305): false alarm. still invincible. http://tfl.nu/rmc6
  Replies (35) Good night (7941) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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  (719): I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel... http://tfl.nu/j6ej
  Replies (13) Good night (2293) Bad night (330)
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  (661): View more from California

  Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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  (661): Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds http://tfl.nu/3651
  Replies (13) Good night (6059) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
  Replies (50) Good night (17082) Bad night (848)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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  (248): I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time http://tfl.nu/uesv
  Replies (8) Good night (833) Bad night (5050) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"

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  (717): I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college" http://tfl.nu/g9gr
  Replies (20) Good night (785) Bad night (3315) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.

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  (904): Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once. http://tfl.nu/hkfi
  Replies (19) Good night (1046) Bad night (4017) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?

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  (209): ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes? http://tfl.nu/mxbg
  Replies (50) Good night (1241) Bad night (4494) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You're upset about this?

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  (803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF? (843): You're upset about this? http://tfl.nu/f42n
  Replies (28) Good night (1923) Bad night (602)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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  (240): oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times http://tfl.nu/z2iz
  Replies (12) Good night (6097) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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  (603): I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot. http://tfl.nu/xny3
  Replies (35) Good night (5194) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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  (845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this. http://tfl.nu/o1x8
  Replies (51) Good night (12070) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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  (407): You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it. http://tfl.nu/b0d6
  Replies (18) Good night (5501) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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  (714): So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him http://tfl.nu/b7ho
  Replies (113) Good night (7493) Bad night (954)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

  (219): View more from Indiana

  You said that last year...

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  (260): Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate. (219): You said that last year... http://tfl.nu/7qlf
  Replies (18) Good night (1716) Bad night (5161)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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  (269): I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned. http://tfl.nu/z1gu
  Replies (8) Good night (4620) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
  Replies (44) Good night (4495) Bad night (8803)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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  (903): Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later. http://tfl.nu/bq2x
  Replies (14) Good night (6868) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

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  (914): i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros http://tfl.nu/6mrs
  Replies (8) Good night (4705) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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  (401): You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk" http://tfl.nu/xogg
  Replies (13) Good night (5818) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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  (901): Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives. http://tfl.nu/lbn9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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  (508): the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party http://tfl.nu/wsii
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting

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  (405): Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting http://tfl.nu/elrq
  Replies (9) Good night (3228) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

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  (253): i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class? http://tfl.nu/um7r
  Replies (46) Good night (1890) Bad night (4442) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'

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  (512): And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.' http://tfl.nu/l1oz
  Replies (18) Good night (391) Bad night (3004) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow

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  (240): ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow http://tfl.nu/mdzc
  Replies (10) Good night (2355) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.

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  (778): i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome. http://tfl.nu/42ph
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  (760): View more from California

  Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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  (760): Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college? http://tfl.nu/r2e9
  Replies (36) Good night (3281) Bad night (3534) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.

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  (760): blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be. http://tfl.nu/1ded
  Replies (14) Good night (795) Bad night (3974) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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  (760): It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica. http://tfl.nu/vdor
  Replies (23) Good night (861) Bad night (3571) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.

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  (760): We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again. http://tfl.nu/a0p6
  Replies (23) Good night (4164) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
  Replies (19) Good night (6496) Bad night (399)
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  (760): View more from California

  I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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  (760): I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass http://tfl.nu/6hj6
  Replies (29) Good night (5611) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
  Replies (12) Good night (1505) Bad night (4608) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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  (760): For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad". http://tfl.nu/gpn1
  Replies (12) Good night (3619) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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  (760): She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/eh4f
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
  Replies (21) Good night (2551) Bad night (6451) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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  (760): He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/lg2v
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  (760): View more from California

  The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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  (760): The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper. http://tfl.nu/pbch
  Replies (11) Good night (758) Bad night (6221) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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  (760): Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!? http://tfl.nu/iolx
  Replies (39) Good night (10937) Bad night (1256) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.

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  (707): drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs. http://tfl.nu/ujxz
  Replies (24) Good night (3465) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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  (707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting http://tfl.nu/k7m6
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  (707): View more from California

  Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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  (707): Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me. http://tfl.nu/6om9
  Replies (14) Good night (3457) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
  Replies (57) Good night (7740) Bad night (1674)
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  (707): View more from California

  yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

  (1-707): View more from California

  you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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  (707): yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her. (1-707): you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you http://tfl.nu/2wdi
  Replies (15) Good night (554) Bad night (4888)
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  (707): View more from California

  He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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  (707): He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good http://tfl.nu/rj3f
  Replies (19) Good night (5178) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

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  (707): I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight http://tfl.nu/5bl0
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  (707): View more from California

  I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits

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  (707): I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits http://tfl.nu/21ol
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  (707): View more from California

  My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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  (707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do. http://tfl.nu/vxoj
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  (707): View more from California

  I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.

  (951): View more from California

  That's the thing about women.

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  (707): I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff. (951): That's the thing about women. http://tfl.nu/3r0z
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  (707): View more from California

  Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.

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  (707): Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman. http://tfl.nu/1yjg
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  (707): View more from California

  Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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  (707): Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo. http://tfl.nu/dtd1
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  (707): View more from California

  that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it

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  (707): that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it http://tfl.nu/zuoy
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  (707): View more from California

  she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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  (707): she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me. http://tfl.nu/ol58
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  (707): View more from California

  I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

  (559): View more from California

  sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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  (707): I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n (559): sry, psychiatrist trumps professor http://tfl.nu/qnkf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (646): View more from New York

  You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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  (646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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  (814): Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends http://tfl.nu/5yet
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

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  (203): My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn. http://tfl.nu/0pkd
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me

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  (607): I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me http://tfl.nu/xbef
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (650): View more from California

  im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.

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  (650): im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/gyhj
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  (972): View more from Texas

  It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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  (972): It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old http://tfl.nu/d8tm
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  (951): View more from California

  hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.

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  (951): hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit. http://tfl.nu/lqvy
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

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  (563): that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark. http://tfl.nu/i86g
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Can we have unprotected sex soon?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner

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  (270): Can we have unprotected sex soon? (270): Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner http://tfl.nu/5s3c
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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  (410): Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad. http://tfl.nu/536n
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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  (317): so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you http://tfl.nu/m0v0
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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  (586): just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me. http://tfl.nu/oae8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

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  (410): I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom http://tfl.nu/r4rn
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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  (720): I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower. http://tfl.nu/yzkb
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  (831): View more from California

  Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?

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  (831): Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21? http://tfl.nu/gpnq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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  (480): I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in http://tfl.nu/axx9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas

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  (917): I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas http://tfl.nu/eh4r
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?

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  (202): like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"? http://tfl.nu/e2lv
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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  (615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me http://tfl.nu/hnft
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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  (540): I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him. http://tfl.nu/377w
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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  (678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes. http://tfl.nu/jrvg
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying

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  (574): all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying http://tfl.nu/ymvi
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.

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  (913): I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like. http://tfl.nu/zoxi
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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  (419): doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars. http://tfl.nu/h8m5
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

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  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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  (630): Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species. http://tfl.nu/4i2r
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

  (406): View more from Montana

  Ok, i'm coming over

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  (320): It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now. (320): He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage. (406): Ok, i'm coming over http://tfl.nu/vi8g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."

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  (403): We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I." http://tfl.nu/5568
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?

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  (850): Did you dl zombie porn on my computer? http://tfl.nu/emjo
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  (585): View more from New York

  My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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  (585): My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life. http://tfl.nu/28dk
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

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  (765): So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head? http://tfl.nu/senf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.

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  (205): She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem. http://tfl.nu/ppj9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.

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  (540): I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed. http://tfl.nu/g7od
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.

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  (321): I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment. http://tfl.nu/8o3c
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  (310): View more from California

  I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.

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  (310): I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today. http://tfl.nu/yukz
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.

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  (301): The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me. http://tfl.nu/hdf0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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  (703): I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space http://tfl.nu/29mq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  So can I buy you a drink sometime?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

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  (918): So can I buy you a drink sometime? (206): Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days. http://tfl.nu/hks4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

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  (816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine... http://tfl.nu/7ts7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ur plase or mine? lol

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

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  (908): ur plase or mine? lol (1-908): well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine. http://tfl.nu/rmr0
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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  (610): what if every blade of grass was a penis? http://tfl.nu/ka1d
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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  (815): you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes http://tfl.nu/koyr
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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  (321): Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik? http://tfl.nu/lg9s
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

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  (773): so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse http://tfl.nu/dvkx
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

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  (781): i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day (617): but fathers day is next sunday (781): i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet http://tfl.nu/pxvx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  (727): View more from Florida

  ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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  (727): wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (727): ooooooooooooo i'm drink http://tfl.nu/m1fg
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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  (832): I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store. http://tfl.nu/hql1
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

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  (501): he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date??? http://tfl.nu/obkl
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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  (978): benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are. http://tfl.nu/ifpr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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  (203): I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help. http://tfl.nu/59br
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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  (330): She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning. http://tfl.nu/zuj3
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

  (352): View more from Florida

  WHAT?!

  (407): View more from Florida

  He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

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  (407): So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch. (352): WHAT?! (407): He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking. http://tfl.nu/9qqv
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile

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  (201): even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile http://tfl.nu/o0hq
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  (925): View more from California

  you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.

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  (925): you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes. http://tfl.nu/km2x
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  (415): View more from California

  I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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  (415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker." http://tfl.nu/s149
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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  (317): it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely http://tfl.nu/75r5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  Wtf?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Use the slutty part of ur brain.

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  (225): Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!! (1-225): Wtf? (225): Use the slutty part of ur brain. http://tfl.nu/qcnm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision

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  (732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision http://tfl.nu/hkka
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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  (847): 2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck. http://tfl.nu/qowh
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions

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  (610): We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions http://tfl.nu/rpam
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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  (503): today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola. http://tfl.nu/yi5l
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  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

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  (954): Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song. http://tfl.nu/556m
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS

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  (309): I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS http://tfl.nu/kfbo
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  (917): View more from New York City

  It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

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  (917): It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall http://tfl.nu/9ve8
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother

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  (806): Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother http://tfl.nu/jjym
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  (310): View more from California

  Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.

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  (310): Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar. http://tfl.nu/dxcg
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo

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  (413): Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo http://tfl.nu/r8i0
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  (716): View more from New York

  My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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  (716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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  (302): It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it. http://tfl.nu/3oo8
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  (516): View more from New York

  he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.

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  (516): he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor. http://tfl.nu/s1qd
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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  (313): i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small. http://tfl.nu/i072
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  (207): View more from Maine

  watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food

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  (207): watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food http://tfl.nu/6rf4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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  (908): Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution. http://tfl.nu/ms1p
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
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  (207): View more from Maine

  We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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  (207): We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us. http://tfl.nu/uz8z
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  How was your Memorial Day?

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

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  (717): How was your Memorial Day? (1-717): Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name. http://tfl.nu/grou
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  for doing what?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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  (248): ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day. (1-248): for doing what? (248): for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home. http://tfl.nu/ju4n
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Porn is love you can see.

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  (586): Porn is love you can see. http://tfl.nu/c5qh
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I GOT MY PERIOD!

  (706): View more from Georgia

  damn. i had names picked out.

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  (706): I GOT MY PERIOD! (706): damn. i had names picked out. http://tfl.nu/tcr6
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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  (775): somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car. http://tfl.nu/3f74
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I just saw the nastiest chick.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Where?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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  (603): I just saw the nastiest chick. (1-603): Where? (603): woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you http://tfl.nu/hbsk
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  (315): View more from New York

  can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

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  (315): can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet http://tfl.nu/ofc9
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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  (413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  how do we leave politely?

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.

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  (316): how do we leave politely? (1-316): Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke. http://tfl.nu/9vnx
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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  (601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  omg no way im finding him!

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.

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  (215): drug dealer added me on facebook, win ? (1-215): omg no way im finding him! (215): he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke. http://tfl.nu/whoh
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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  (608): The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries. http://tfl.nu/yhvv
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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  (505): My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut. http://tfl.nu/nzlu
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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  (717): You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS http://tfl.nu/mc97
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

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  (407): I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks.. http://tfl.nu/av5i
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  who won?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  THAT is your concern right now?

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  (647): on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest.. (1-647): who won? (647): THAT is your concern right now? http://tfl.nu/f9cv
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually

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  (501): My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually http://tfl.nu/zmvh
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

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  (207): Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today. (1-207): I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population... http://tfl.nu/tclz
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.

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  (201): I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot. http://tfl.nu/7j37
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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  (914): I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you... http://tfl.nu/2hf7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.

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  (214): I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/zhmd
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  (209): View more from California

  Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

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  (209): Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night http://tfl.nu/zz66
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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  (443): I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people. http://tfl.nu/qtnv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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  (512): Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You? http://tfl.nu/i2et
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

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  (540): so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it... http://tfl.nu/rkx1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i wish there were pregnant emoticons

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  (440): i wish there were pregnant emoticons http://tfl.nu/icoh
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.

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  (412): im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs. http://tfl.nu/u0xf
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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  (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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  (651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you. http://tfl.nu/jbfy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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  (610): My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/h8rn
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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  (908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great http://tfl.nu/tjsf
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  (805): View more from California

  im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking

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  (805): im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking http://tfl.nu/diqd
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  (805): View more from California

  my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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  (805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.

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  (906): I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up. http://tfl.nu/m243
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

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  (803): When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/3yj1
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet

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  (571): I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet http://tfl.nu/qd88
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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  (314): You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning. http://tfl.nu/x67v
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.

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  (228): two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter. http://tfl.nu/ayzd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  So, how was the dinner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.

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  (406): So, how was the dinner (1-406): Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive. http://tfl.nu/9pb0
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  You got my ass fired just for knowing you

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  thanks for the bacon

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  (479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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  (305): It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me. http://tfl.nu/n11o
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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  (303): I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer. http://tfl.nu/2j6i
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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  (603): his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all http://tfl.nu/y0um
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

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  (201): whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc http://tfl.nu/bhl3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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  (512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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  (817): They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts. http://tfl.nu/tuhd
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  (360): View more from Washington

  whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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  (360): whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind. http://tfl.nu/pllx
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?

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  (765): laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you? http://tfl.nu/4i1p
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

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  (410): To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows. http://tfl.nu/3dnj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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  (917): My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star. http://tfl.nu/572f
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

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  (208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy. http://tfl.nu/3jyj
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  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
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  (716): View more from New York

  Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

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  (716): Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed. http://tfl.nu/65fd
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.

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  (317): I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure. http://tfl.nu/rujq
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

  (206): View more from Washington

  Or, you could have used a condom

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  (808): Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD (206): Or, you could have used a condom http://tfl.nu/0l3i
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.

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  (870): i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off. http://tfl.nu/vonx
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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  (816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book. http://tfl.nu/rwum
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