tator's Favorites Texts:

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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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  (605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex. http://tfl.nu/lyw2
  Replies (10) Good night (4706) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

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  (817): Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday. http://tfl.nu/w47f
  Replies (9) Good night (2682) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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  (248): Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms http://tfl.nu/jxub
  Replies (4) Good night (3255) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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  (814): You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done. http://tfl.nu/ojtz
  Replies (31) Good night (2798) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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  (516): The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me. http://tfl.nu/o6eb
  Replies (6) Good night (2670) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
  Replies (11) Good night (2735) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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  (662): She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list. http://tfl.nu/gj4y
  Replies (21) Good night (3153) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
  Replies (12) Good night (2991) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.

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  (678): I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid. http://tfl.nu/e1xm
  Replies (3) Good night (2982) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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  (217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way http://tfl.nu/0knp
  Replies (9) Good night (2756) Bad night (497)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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  (727): I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy. http://tfl.nu/oiln
  Replies (8) Good night (2988) Bad night (555)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

  (1-928): View more from Arizona

  They dropped the charges?

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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  (928): I deem it safe for us to drink together again. (1-928): They dropped the charges? (928): Yeppers. Come drink beers. http://tfl.nu/va29
  Replies (8) Good night (2771) Bad night (555)
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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  (580): Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying" http://tfl.nu/0sq3
  Replies (4) Good night (3735) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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  (646): Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B http://tfl.nu/w0hg
  Replies (12) Good night (2840) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
  Replies (10) Good night (3257) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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  (734): If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend. http://tfl.nu/pm1j
  Replies (13) Good night (2996) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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  (914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja
  Replies (12) Good night (3294) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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  (701): Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck. http://tfl.nu/exx8
  Replies (11) Good night (2896) Bad night (658)
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  (760): View more from California

  I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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  (760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd
  Replies (4) Good night (2965) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
  Replies (15) Good night (3168) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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  (774): He likes bondage and spanking and shit. (508): Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that. http://tfl.nu/4784
  Replies (9) Good night (3033) Bad night (510)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

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  (978): we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on. http://tfl.nu/cjzk
  Replies (4) Good night (3202) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
  Replies (9) Good night (3270) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

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  (918): What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how. http://tfl.nu/o4fq
  Replies (12) Good night (3044) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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  (914): We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar. http://tfl.nu/5gv0
  Replies (13) Good night (3811) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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  (+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together. http://tfl.nu/r78i
  Replies (6) Good night (3389) Bad night (508)
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  (909): View more from California

  and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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  (909): and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests".... http://tfl.nu/4e7u
  Replies (5) Good night (3402) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

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  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
  Replies (18) Good night (3593) Bad night (587)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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  (703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5
  Replies (4) Good night (3704) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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  (304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar http://tfl.nu/3165
  Replies (19) Good night (3701) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
  Replies (9) Good night (3584) Bad night (521)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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  (412): You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!! (412): I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten. http://tfl.nu/bqpb
  Replies (13) Good night (3478) Bad night (579)
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  (805): View more from California

  You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

  (1-805): View more from California

  watch me

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  (805): You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard. (1-805): watch me http://tfl.nu/8h24
  Replies (16) Good night (3569) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
  Replies (19) Good night (3676) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (984): View more from North Carolina

  i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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  (984): i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight. http://tfl.nu/cncx
  Replies (22) Good night (4097) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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  (607): I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud! http://tfl.nu/toc7
  Replies (7) Good night (3957) Bad night (608)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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  (917): every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/13a6
  Replies (16) Good night (3746) Bad night (733)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (4014) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
  Replies (25) Good night (5833) Bad night (625)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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  (205): I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/mhcf
  Replies (24) Good night (4052) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (4229) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Gong!

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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  (206): Gong! (1-253): YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT http://tfl.nu/dcri
  Replies (17) Good night (4196) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Where are you?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Jimmy John's.

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  (512): There are so many Jimmy John's employees here (1-512): Where are you? (512): Jimmy John's. http://tfl.nu/2l3c
  Replies (10) Good night (5578) Bad night (656)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4785) Bad night (850)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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  (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me. http://tfl.nu/euwh
  Replies (30) Good night (4646) Bad night (821)
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  (682): View more from Texas

  I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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  (682): I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face http://tfl.nu/zwwu
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (29) Good night (4998) Bad night (788)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (6153) Bad night (779)
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (6426) Bad night (1175)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5914) Bad night (636)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6937) Bad night (773)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7989) Bad night (811)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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  (248): he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg. http://tfl.nu/hgt4
  Replies (24) Good night (1134) Bad night (4835) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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  (404): Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth". http://tfl.nu/9ke1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...

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  (303): You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike... http://tfl.nu/i5zc
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

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  (208): the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker http://tfl.nu/9orb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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  (908): The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one. http://tfl.nu/8bgn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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  (817): I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in http://tfl.nu/jhp8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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  (512): I actually had fun getting arrested. That high. http://tfl.nu/ixl1
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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  (+44): She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them. http://tfl.nu/h4ql
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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  (773): I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit. http://tfl.nu/2ngx
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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  (715): He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety http://tfl.nu/vghu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

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  (214): You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right? http://tfl.nu/pmdc
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon

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  (210): i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon http://tfl.nu/oe7m
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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  (302): Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself. http://tfl.nu/ycey
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  (818): View more from California

  I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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  (818): I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment. http://tfl.nu/bcax
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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  (217): Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls. http://tfl.nu/z40q
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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  (970): I feel like my teeth are sweating. http://tfl.nu/98tq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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  (248): Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor. http://tfl.nu/dwej
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

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  (206): Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/drhd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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  (804): i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better' http://tfl.nu/bjkh
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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  (702): I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it. http://tfl.nu/kp90
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

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  (615): When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.' http://tfl.nu/622f
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.

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  (443): she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates. http://tfl.nu/n2n2
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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  (662): He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv. http://tfl.nu/kqij
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?

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  (662): There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this? http://tfl.nu/zwz2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  you inspire me to be a worse person

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  (360): you inspire me to be a worse person http://tfl.nu/en33
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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  (978): Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts http://tfl.nu/t2mu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

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  (512): They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true? http://tfl.nu/qtx2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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  (517): In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast. http://tfl.nu/cv6o
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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  (214): So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest. http://tfl.nu/6468
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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  (423): I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/5s6y
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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  (314): You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important. http://tfl.nu/ehih
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka

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  (985): I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka http://tfl.nu/h91z
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  (915): View more from Texas

  You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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  (915): You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs http://tfl.nu/qhlh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom

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  (317): I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom http://tfl.nu/przj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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  (215): I don't think we should have started that trash fire http://tfl.nu/5qs5
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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  (570): hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help. http://tfl.nu/nfdk
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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  (313): Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker http://tfl.nu/hydd
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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  (316): How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously. http://tfl.nu/n6dt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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  (314): rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover http://tfl.nu/mxp0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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  (732): Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :( http://tfl.nu/fasb
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.

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  (508): I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper. http://tfl.nu/3wm1
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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  (+61): She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse. http://tfl.nu/zap5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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  (603): sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are. http://tfl.nu/wnvk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There are paw prints all over my ceiling.

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  (303): There are paw prints all over my ceiling. http://tfl.nu/gg63
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural

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  (630): Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural http://tfl.nu/4h5e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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  (610): At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch. http://tfl.nu/wzxh
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.

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  (724): Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am. http://tfl.nu/emfv
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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  (360): Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything. http://tfl.nu/kqmn
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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  (815): I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together. http://tfl.nu/4fcl
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (310): View more from California

  only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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  (310): only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man http://tfl.nu/g1rm
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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  (917): Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap. http://tfl.nu/690y
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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  (309): Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door http://tfl.nu/czgy
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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  (902): Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know. http://tfl.nu/6wh4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

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  (978): She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent. http://tfl.nu/hcxv
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  (510): View more from California

  Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor

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  (510): Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor http://tfl.nu/56ek
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

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  (973): i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week http://tfl.nu/mj5j
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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  (717): at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea?? http://tfl.nu/j9re
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms

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  (503): And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms http://tfl.nu/1av4
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.

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  (904): Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do. http://tfl.nu/m59t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years

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  (203): she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years http://tfl.nu/j9r2
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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  (301): Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools http://tfl.nu/2rog
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress

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  (774): I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress http://tfl.nu/bwko
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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  (405): in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter. http://tfl.nu/55jx
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  (315): View more from New York

  I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?

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  (315): I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here? http://tfl.nu/pgo7
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care

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  (905): ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care http://tfl.nu/hm11
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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  (917): Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you. http://tfl.nu/j1py
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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  (313): We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us http://tfl.nu/w5tj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?

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  (248): Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet? http://tfl.nu/so9l
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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  (201): You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked. http://tfl.nu/py4z
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  (805): View more from California

  The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break

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  (805): The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break http://tfl.nu/smih
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.

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  (+44): Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago. http://tfl.nu/hd48
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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  (+44): I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving http://tfl.nu/jxug
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.

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  (303): I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van. http://tfl.nu/3fdc
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"

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  (401): You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car" http://tfl.nu/0yb1
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  (707): View more from California

  He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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  (707): He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie. http://tfl.nu/yx94
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.

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  (203): Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk. http://tfl.nu/6oqy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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  (443): we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice http://tfl.nu/hzcq
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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  (678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again http://tfl.nu/8daz
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  (347): View more from New York

  the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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  (347): the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone. http://tfl.nu/ektw
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  (415): View more from California

  Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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  (415): Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it? http://tfl.nu/bvee
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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  (203): Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room. http://tfl.nu/4omc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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  (250): Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole" http://tfl.nu/hdok
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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  (905): If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too. http://tfl.nu/2teh
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund

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  (614): ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund http://tfl.nu/czuk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate

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  (814): All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate http://tfl.nu/wczm
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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  (702): Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily. http://tfl.nu/1vv1
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time

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  (816): peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time http://tfl.nu/fl0l
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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  (303): Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog? http://tfl.nu/kw07
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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  (407): I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame. http://tfl.nu/841f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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  (847): No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it. http://tfl.nu/l9mq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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  (309): I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me http://tfl.nu/z5uh
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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  (250): By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right. http://tfl.nu/wypb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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  (403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon http://tfl.nu/7c63
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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  (303): Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with. http://tfl.nu/dbx0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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  (201): I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it http://tfl.nu/a65q
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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  (918): I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/1tot
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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  (608): Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week. http://tfl.nu/ckos
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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  (503): His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit. http://tfl.nu/ykdx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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  (303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM. http://tfl.nu/5j68
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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  (+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

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  (803): she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often http://tfl.nu/h6kk
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man

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  (502): At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man http://tfl.nu/m2kp
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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  (716): I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone? http://tfl.nu/d362
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five

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  (403): On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five http://tfl.nu/a3rp
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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  (502): Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this. http://tfl.nu/29p7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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  (513): I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR! http://tfl.nu/4gxu
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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  (540): there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber http://tfl.nu/88lc
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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  (423): Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out http://tfl.nu/rbnc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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  (334): How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing. http://tfl.nu/ut8a
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  (310): View more from California

  I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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  (310): I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him http://tfl.nu/a0ny
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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  (262): My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?" http://tfl.nu/j8cb
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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  (801): You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them. http://tfl.nu/lphx
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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  (612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment. http://tfl.nu/bb74
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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  (740): she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse http://tfl.nu/30t8
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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  (815): drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me. http://tfl.nu/k6i1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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  (609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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  (807): I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight? http://tfl.nu/7h08
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.

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  (231): I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/7ezq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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  (401): I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper? http://tfl.nu/78fg
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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  (256): It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.. http://tfl.nu/zyk4
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  (754): View more from Florida

  Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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  (754): Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day http://tfl.nu/l2mr
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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  (702): So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this" http://tfl.nu/lsrz
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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  (843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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  (773): After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in. http://tfl.nu/8v36
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

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  (651): She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can. http://tfl.nu/7y77
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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  (610): I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting. http://tfl.nu/w8rn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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  (917): He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm. http://tfl.nu/al4b
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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  (605): there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife. http://tfl.nu/kzgo
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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  (609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.

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  (330): Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment. http://tfl.nu/dli5
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  (883): View more from

  I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet

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  (883): I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet http://tfl.nu/tmsx
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside

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  (586): so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside http://tfl.nu/qiju
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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  (902): You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear" http://tfl.nu/r2vo
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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  (314): The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired http://tfl.nu/0mk4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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  (917): Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something http://tfl.nu/o4s2
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  (714): View more from California

  He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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  (714): He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where. http://tfl.nu/my2r
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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  (507): You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!" http://tfl.nu/pues
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

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  (503): And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container.... http://tfl.nu/xfht
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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  (613): I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games http://tfl.nu/74pd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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  (203): So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?" http://tfl.nu/t9pp
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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  (416): You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill.. http://tfl.nu/sqyp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

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  (937): I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide. http://tfl.nu/dybq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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  (908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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  (214): You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/nfga
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one

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  (580): Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one http://tfl.nu/xo36
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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  (508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic" http://tfl.nu/1wpy
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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  (309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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  (352): Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person. http://tfl.nu/l0db
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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  (484): You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you. http://tfl.nu/o9a4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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  (403): you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape. http://tfl.nu/to8s
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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  (301): Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich? http://tfl.nu/66qn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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  (419): it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants. http://tfl.nu/uvta
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  (206): View more from Washington

  sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

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  (206): sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before http://tfl.nu/9maa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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  (303): You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you. http://tfl.nu/1hxd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

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  (214): My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night. http://tfl.nu/bjzh
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

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  (770): I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges. http://tfl.nu/kn7k
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.

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  (540): please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there. http://tfl.nu/5ny0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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  (360): I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes. http://tfl.nu/s6gu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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  (352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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  (404): Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash... http://tfl.nu/kodu
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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  (904): Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone. http://tfl.nu/zr80
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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  (561): Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/snfb
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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  (270): Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience. http://tfl.nu/d64j
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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  (610): You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice... http://tfl.nu/x7so
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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  (615): My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed. http://tfl.nu/zn3p
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Why is your signature on my underwear?

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  (419): Why is your signature on my underwear? http://tfl.nu/8itl
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