Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
