The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down