Texts From Last Night · ninjadino's Favorites

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(903): View more from Texas

The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(972): View more from Texas

85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Are you drinking alone?

(662): View more from Mississippi

no, i'm watching house

(601): View more from Mississippi

That doesn't count.

(662): View more from Mississippi

wtf, then i'm always alone

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(630): View more from Illinois

i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom

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(847): View more from Illinois

you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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(850): View more from Florida

Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(214): View more from Texas

It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.

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(409): View more from Texas

He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's gonna be a great weekend

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(646): View more from New York

Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(706): View more from Georgia

TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(818): View more from California

Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(914): View more from New York

i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

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(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(607): View more from New York

please dont tell anyone i was drunk

(1-607): View more from New York

you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know

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(347): View more from New York

she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.

(1-347): View more from New York

ofcourse you didnt.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(817): View more from Texas

would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

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(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(909): View more from California

i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(845): View more from New York

she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(509): View more from Washington

I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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