Texts From Last Night · manders2578's Favorites

manders2578's Favorites Texts:

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(209): View more from California

I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(541): View more from Oregon

i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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(360): View more from Washington

Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(509): View more from Washington

Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.

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(614): View more from Ohio

God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(303): View more from Colorado

im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt

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(716): View more from New York

I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(818): View more from California

I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(870): View more from Arkansas

may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.

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(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(940): View more from Texas

going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(626): View more from California

Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(850): View more from Florida

it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(205): View more from Alabama

She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(386): View more from Florida

Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(519): View more from Ontario

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(714): View more from California

I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(310): View more from California

i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

i take joy in having bigger boobs than others

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(205): View more from Alabama

my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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