Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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