I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She's allergic to latex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me i tasted like america
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
another moral hangover. fuck.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
whjeg hajt iyt
wanna hang out?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?