I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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