Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think this conversation is over.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The maid of honor just puked.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she's into porn, im staying here tonight