Texts From Last Night · hernamestyler's Favorites

hernamestyler's Favorites Texts:

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(818): View more from California

Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

(714): View more from California

Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

(818): View more from California

Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(702): View more from Nevada

jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(516): View more from New York

I woke up on my floor...

(1-516): View more from New York

I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

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(916): View more from California

do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

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(314): View more from Missouri

last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like our house is getting pulled over.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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(925): View more from California

He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(850): View more from Florida

We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

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(757): View more from Virginia

sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

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(614): View more from Ohio

Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

condoms and good judgment

(614): View more from Ohio

Can I buy both of those at the same store?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(581): View more from Quebec

I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.

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(214): View more from Texas

The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(210): View more from Texas

masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(757): View more from Virginia

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

and my herpes radar will keep us safe

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me

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(949): View more from California

if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.

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(646): View more from New York

miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(301): View more from Maryland

About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

hey.....beach week happens

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(210): View more from Texas

i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?

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(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(916): View more from California

How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

(1-916): View more from California

Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...

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(559): View more from California

We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(813): View more from Florida

Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(703): View more from Virginia

he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies

(703): View more from Virginia

and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(516): View more from New York

Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

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(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(631): View more from New York

It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.

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(770): View more from Georgia

she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me

(1-630): View more from Illinois

It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials

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(240): View more from Maryland

Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(301): View more from Maryland

Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

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(954): View more from Florida

First date: that requires underwear, huh?

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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