My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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