Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We are two peas in an std pod
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink