Texts From Last Night · stevieeee's Favorites

stevieeee's Favorites Texts:

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(254): View more from Texas

you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.

(803): View more from South Carolina

I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

didn't that happen to you last weekend?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

shut up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(310): View more from California

Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(630): View more from Illinois

My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'

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(631): View more from New York

Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(214): View more from Texas

1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo quero taco bell

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(817): View more from Texas

Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.

(818): View more from California

Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?

(817): View more from Texas

Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.

(248): View more from Michigan

I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah...you probably will...

(248): View more from Michigan

well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

(573): View more from Missouri

Found more tequila

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(386): View more from Florida

No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(619): View more from California

all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."

(817): View more from Texas

I was drunk but it's true

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(678): View more from Georgia

I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

(540): View more from Virginia

pics

(757): View more from Virginia

no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(716): View more from New York

i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(706): View more from Georgia

well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.

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(214): View more from Texas

Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

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(707): View more from California

last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(970): View more from Colorado

So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

(262): View more from Wisconsin

That was long passed due.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(856): View more from New Jersey

this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(817): View more from Texas

idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

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(810): View more from Michigan

i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(517): View more from Michigan

They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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