Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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