after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on