After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
