Texts From Last Night

blb2650's Favorites Texts:

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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.

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  (717): I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees. http://tfl.nu/sibe
  Replies (4) Good night (1391) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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  (847): cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me http://tfl.nu/qd03
  Replies (44) Good night (1308) Bad night (5669) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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  (718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary. http://tfl.nu/e3xl
  Replies (155) Good night (7975) Bad night (8282) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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  (613): Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar. http://tfl.nu/8auj
  Replies (12) Good night (2588) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

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  (973): Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often. http://tfl.nu/x0j2
  Replies (0) Good night (1553) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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  (916): let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again. http://tfl.nu/i76s
  Replies (4) Good night (2094) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
  Replies (15) Good night (6907) Bad night (1279)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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  (716): Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests. http://tfl.nu/12h2
  Replies (11) Good night (2627) Bad night (782)
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  (516): View more from New York

  He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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  (516): He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something. http://tfl.nu/60sr
  Replies (7) Good night (2033) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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  (785): Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur". http://tfl.nu/3gb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2348) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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  (613): I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable. http://tfl.nu/pwwk
  Replies (15) Good night (2192) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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  (404): Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken. http://tfl.nu/s1v7
  Replies (10) Good night (902) Bad night (2630) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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  (203): I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth http://tfl.nu/68yw
  Replies (38) Good night (5240) Bad night (1416) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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  (515): If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/dbsh
  Replies (10) Good night (3071) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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  (248): You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual. http://tfl.nu/weeh
  Replies (4) Good night (2448) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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  (925): After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome http://tfl.nu/nygq
  Replies (10) Good night (3829) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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  (815): Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/6hnz
  Replies (12) Good night (2984) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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  (580): I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever! http://tfl.nu/u7rz
  Replies (6) Good night (3294) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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  (614): I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan http://tfl.nu/3du7
  Replies (3) Good night (2257) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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  (403): I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time http://tfl.nu/r2ul
  Replies (12) Good night (2318) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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  (903): I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth... http://tfl.nu/u93t
  Replies (7) Good night (2334) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you find a tooth?

  (254): View more from Texas

  did you lose one?

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  (512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh
  Replies (16) Good night (3418) Bad night (1192)
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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  (620): He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening. http://tfl.nu/b9i7
  Replies (16) Good night (3908) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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  (978): Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th? http://tfl.nu/27j9
  Replies (12) Good night (3156) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes

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  (618): You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes http://tfl.nu/5pp7
  Replies (6) Good night (2598) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
  Replies (5) Good night (3799) Bad night (502)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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  (541): We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault http://tfl.nu/ovjn
  Replies (4) Good night (2762) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

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  (615): I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this. http://tfl.nu/3o9n
  Replies (11) Good night (2566) Bad night (1432) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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  (719): Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ctww
  Replies (3) Good night (1171) Bad night (1601) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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  (289): You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person. http://tfl.nu/dofi
  Replies (14) Good night (3128) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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  (661): fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn. http://tfl.nu/6ro6
  Replies (5) Good night (3226) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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  (859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531
  Replies (52) Good night (1058) Bad night (6678)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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  (416): Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it? http://tfl.nu/zi0h
  Replies (6) Good night (3536) Bad night (921)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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  (662): She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina. http://tfl.nu/uqet
  Replies (7) Good night (3823) Bad night (727)
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

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  (+49): Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom. http://tfl.nu/2s5g
  Replies (6) Good night (2662) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

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  (816): i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else. http://tfl.nu/65tn
  Replies (1) Good night (964) Bad night (2762) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz

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  (870): God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz http://tfl.nu/dral
  Replies (4) Good night (2110) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.

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  (530): I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time. http://tfl.nu/t4yt
  Replies (16) Good night (2281) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

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  (502): Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it! http://tfl.nu/c7ri
  Replies (7) Good night (3169) Bad night (810)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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  (516): Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment http://tfl.nu/52np
  Replies (4) Good night (2979) Bad night (1332)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.

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  (317): Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship. http://tfl.nu/wcss
  Replies (8) Good night (1905) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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  (517): She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name... http://tfl.nu/ngxr
  Replies (17) Good night (4705) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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  (610): Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole. http://tfl.nu/uyw0
  Replies (11) Good night (3581) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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  (414): Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/nm91
  Replies (10) Good night (2588) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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  (978): I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon http://tfl.nu/xy8w
  Replies (5) Good night (3336) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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  (630): Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink http://tfl.nu/oigr
  Replies (19) Good night (3859) Bad night (976)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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  (+61): woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME http://tfl.nu/6fbk
  Replies (15) Good night (6126) Bad night (791)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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  (908): but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before. http://tfl.nu/ra7g
  Replies (20) Good night (4954) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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  (978): Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat http://tfl.nu/fgz1
  Replies (17) Good night (4168) Bad night (939)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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  (281): okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ycuw
  Replies (26) Good night (1510) Bad night (4362) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.

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  (907): Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong. http://tfl.nu/skna
  Replies (8) Good night (2655) Bad night (691)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

  (646): View more from New York

  The facepaint not the blacking out

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  (646): Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit (646): The facepaint not the blacking out http://tfl.nu/pnw5
  Replies (6) Good night (2886) Bad night (636)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
  Replies (17) Good night (4621) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
  Replies (12) Good night (6881) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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  (561): Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk http://tfl.nu/69zw
  Replies (2) Good night (1670) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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  (760): I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation. http://tfl.nu/wrn9
  Replies (9) Good night (3996) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

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  (304): He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE. http://tfl.nu/ltby
  Replies (27) Good night (902) Bad night (3145) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
  Replies (7) Good night (5398) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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  (816): It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out. http://tfl.nu/oebq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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  (217): i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here http://tfl.nu/dmaq
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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  (810): There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing http://tfl.nu/i1k5
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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  (602): I demand visitation hours with the duck. http://tfl.nu/cyd2
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15

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  (301): did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15 http://tfl.nu/scbj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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  (732): 4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move http://tfl.nu/7ba1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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  (513): I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight. (513): I stole a bike. Here's a pic http://tfl.nu/v50c
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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  (602): Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world. http://tfl.nu/6f3f
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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  (727): Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago. http://tfl.nu/0eob
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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  (785): I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man http://tfl.nu/ay55
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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  (330): literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs. http://tfl.nu/r48u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.

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  (306): I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me. http://tfl.nu/ri8m
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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  (812): theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/gou5
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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  (814): Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry. http://tfl.nu/q7zn
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.

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  (204): We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk. http://tfl.nu/82pr
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  (607): View more from New York

  Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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  (607): Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating. http://tfl.nu/yfie
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..

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  (410): still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that.. http://tfl.nu/9298
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor

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  (780): A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor http://tfl.nu/h37q
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  (661): View more from California

  i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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  (661): i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean http://tfl.nu/gpjf
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  (619): View more from California

  yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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  (619): yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work http://tfl.nu/e66y
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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  (404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair? http://tfl.nu/ho1p
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

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  (763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms." http://tfl.nu/x5sd
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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  (920): You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation. http://tfl.nu/euxm
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  (207): View more from Maine

  he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

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  (207): he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem http://tfl.nu/s9hf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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  (330): Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car. http://tfl.nu/8rap
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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  (401): She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher http://tfl.nu/uenp
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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  (513): He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower. http://tfl.nu/6nkf
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

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  (252): My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business http://tfl.nu/rc0p
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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  (931): Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me.... http://tfl.nu/xfhz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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  (513): it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out. http://tfl.nu/ydh3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
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  (315): View more from New York

  I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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  (315): I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry. http://tfl.nu/6f2v
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  (425): View more from Washington

  No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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  (425): No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America, http://tfl.nu/18wd
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  (941): View more from Florida

  sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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  (941): sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single http://tfl.nu/m0e2
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

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  (812): Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut. http://tfl.nu/c78l
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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  (870): I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car. http://tfl.nu/7djn
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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  (409): The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens. http://tfl.nu/kai5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

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  (412): Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose http://tfl.nu/1rcv
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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  (717): DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!! (717): Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly. http://tfl.nu/0dyl
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  (619): View more from California

  I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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  (619): I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight. http://tfl.nu/r1ts
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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  (402): I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska. http://tfl.nu/x618
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"

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  (704): Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?" http://tfl.nu/740o
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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  (480): she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever. http://tfl.nu/lqf2
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary

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  (202): I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god (202): you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary http://tfl.nu/3z0i
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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  (757): You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy. http://tfl.nu/hg9j
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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  (612): no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship. http://tfl.nu/tdmr
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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  (708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (949): View more from California

  he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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  (949): he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect http://tfl.nu/b9u3
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  (310): View more from California

  Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

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  (310): Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat. http://tfl.nu/8e48
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.

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  (803): so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points. http://tfl.nu/u3st
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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  (678): Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend http://tfl.nu/u7rd
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  (956): View more from Texas

  I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward

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  (956): I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward http://tfl.nu/ltxx
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  (207): View more from Maine

  we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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  (207): we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet? http://tfl.nu/uydl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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  (610): You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck http://tfl.nu/4xap
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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  (778): Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world' http://tfl.nu/vm9t
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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  (314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (619): View more from California

  he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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  (619): he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear? http://tfl.nu/9u5k
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.

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  (757): I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping. http://tfl.nu/aea5
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  wrong number but thanks

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  (443): shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten. (610): wrong number but thanks http://tfl.nu/9cua
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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  (706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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  (919): Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously? http://tfl.nu/b5p0
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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  (708): Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college. http://tfl.nu/9ysd
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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  (941): Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship. http://tfl.nu/y8rh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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  (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance. http://tfl.nu/rnd5
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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  (217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet. http://tfl.nu/nuvu
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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  (219): ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference... http://tfl.nu/jx5w
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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  (848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa http://tfl.nu/605l
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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  (731): What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry? http://tfl.nu/iiar
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was

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  (314): Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was http://tfl.nu/b9m0
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

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  (903): I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission. http://tfl.nu/3lm1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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  (360): Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/jop2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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  (612): the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear." http://tfl.nu/uaxy
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  (716): View more from New York

  When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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  (716): When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex. http://tfl.nu/mu23
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

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  (605): You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today http://tfl.nu/jljr
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (858): View more from California

  anal on a first date. tsk tsk.

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  (858): anal on a first date. tsk tsk. http://tfl.nu/9mlb
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  (650): View more from California

  so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

  (415): View more from California

  What...you let him do that?

  (650): View more from California

  It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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  (650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow. (415): What...you let him do that? (650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow http://tfl.nu/aum0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

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  (303): I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week http://tfl.nu/iwzc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  actually, i try not to think about it

  (802): View more from Vermont

  and i pooped them out

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  (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out http://tfl.nu/h4ew
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
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  (904): View more from Florida

  When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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  (904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit" http://tfl.nu/bodh
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  (619): View more from California

  Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?

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  (619): Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it? http://tfl.nu/4s1d
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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  (864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside http://tfl.nu/pna6
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

  (254): View more from Texas

  Tornado warnings are fun!

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  (254): Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows. (254): Tornado warnings are fun! http://tfl.nu/9sqb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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  (910): I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread http://tfl.nu/evst
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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  (919): All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on. http://tfl.nu/8snd
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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  (615): Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify. http://tfl.nu/zod7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust

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  (703): he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust http://tfl.nu/nu3n
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor

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  (703): Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor http://tfl.nu/qca9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly

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  (703): never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly http://tfl.nu/n7qz
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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  (703): She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning. http://tfl.nu/a0no
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  you're bored at work aren't you?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk

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  (571): you're bored at work aren't you? (703): I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk http://tfl.nu/77tj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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  (703): She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself. http://tfl.nu/tn32
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

  (703): View more from Virginia

  she was in a cheetah costume

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  (703): got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon (703): she was in a cheetah costume http://tfl.nu/slro
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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  (703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

  (571): View more from Virginia

  you make me proud to be your friend

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  (703): Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe" (571): you make me proud to be your friend http://tfl.nu/nyf8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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  (703): To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M." http://tfl.nu/juhx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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  (703): The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am." http://tfl.nu/b7uw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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  (703): Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college. http://tfl.nu/9le9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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  (703): Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid. http://tfl.nu/xyt3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

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  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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  (703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband http://tfl.nu/pijn
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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  (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints. http://tfl.nu/3trl
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970

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  (434): So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970 http://tfl.nu/x6yp
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.

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  (434): we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino. http://tfl.nu/w9ni
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

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  (434): Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now. http://tfl.nu/1bza
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower

  (571): View more from Virginia

  She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task

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  (540): Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower (571): She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task http://tfl.nu/xi7t
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she says it's "been amazing lately"

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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  (540): she says it's "been amazing lately" (540): i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half http://tfl.nu/wgvp
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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  (540): I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here. http://tfl.nu/rnyh
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

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  (207): Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers. http://tfl.nu/zz2j
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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  (434): She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere http://tfl.nu/6t7j
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  (916): View more from California

  nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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  (916): nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds http://tfl.nu/1rag
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  (863): View more from Florida

  In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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  (863): In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us http://tfl.nu/7cnb
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

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  (952): I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night http://tfl.nu/yysc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?

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  (717): Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain? http://tfl.nu/uh45
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

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  (847): That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year. http://tfl.nu/exle
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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  (503): He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out. http://tfl.nu/qidl
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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  (609): Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night http://tfl.nu/7184
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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  (801): She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous. http://tfl.nu/mgxb
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  (315): View more from New York

  mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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  (315): mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!" http://tfl.nu/d3gl
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (61): View more from Australia

  Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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  (61): Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed http://tfl.nu/qr9l
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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  (314): I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though. http://tfl.nu/qm3u
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  (801): View more from Utah

  when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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  (801): when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead. http://tfl.nu/0qeu
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

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  (419): Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class. http://tfl.nu/zkx8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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  (937): That's science, my friend. Boner science. http://tfl.nu/d39q
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  (408): View more from California

  My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?

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  (408): My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know? http://tfl.nu/68pr
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

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  (815): i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot http://tfl.nu/m7cq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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  (207): He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time. http://tfl.nu/24re
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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  (770): I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried. http://tfl.nu/6wir
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

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  (570): why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge? http://tfl.nu/lm3z
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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  (586): We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mpc6
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  (817): View more from Texas

  If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.

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  (817): If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun. http://tfl.nu/31s3
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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  (906): Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies http://tfl.nu/62p5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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  (203): THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER http://tfl.nu/gk2q
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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  (812): I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice. http://tfl.nu/sig2
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  (510): View more from California

  Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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  (510): Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone" http://tfl.nu/xglm
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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  (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus? http://tfl.nu/o777
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

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  (708): what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit? http://tfl.nu/d2ae
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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  (647): she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener http://tfl.nu/wmbx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.

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  (617): we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over. http://tfl.nu/igug
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