I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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