Texts From Last Night · windfuelsfire's Favorites

windfuelsfire's Favorites Texts:

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(770): View more from Georgia

I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(716): View more from New York

speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms

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(806): View more from Texas

How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?

(312): View more from Illinois

It's worth it.

(248): View more from Michigan

How worth it?

(312): View more from Illinois

Back door worth it

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(757): View more from Virginia

Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(312): View more from Illinois

if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(720): View more from Colorado

have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I misjudged your gender.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Maybe she gives good head

(615): View more from Tennessee

A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

That is a good question.

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