I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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