I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
barbara walters just said penis...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I smell stomach acid.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yea but for you.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
seriously i just wanna be friends
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm going to jail i love you
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
now i know why i became what i already was.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.