It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
