I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...