all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
