I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Operation Purity has been aborted
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.