I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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