That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...