Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.