Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He felt like a one man threesome
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
vagina is talking i cant
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.