Texts From Last Night

cheldoll's Favorites Texts:

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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
  Replies (40) Good night (6501) Bad night (1020) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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  (847): Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator. http://tfl.nu/lq0c
  Replies (30) Good night (8412) Bad night (1191)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
  Replies (29) Good night (9241) Bad night (1862) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
  Replies (26) Good night (9028) Bad night (1095)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
  Replies (19) Good night (8542) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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  (203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0
  Replies (19) Good night (5742) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
  Replies (7) Good night (4517) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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  (216): She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it. http://tfl.nu/064r
  Replies (13) Good night (6004) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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  (303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd
  Replies (20) Good night (7977) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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  (708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi
  Replies (13) Good night (6080) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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  (501): recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree. http://tfl.nu/wbc5
  Replies (86) Good night (8751) Bad night (4034) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
  Replies (20) Good night (10861) Bad night (1018) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
  Replies (48) Good night (16989) Bad night (1019) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
  Replies (81) Good night (15968) Bad night (2337) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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  (713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl
  Replies (13) Good night (4908) Bad night (1014) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
  Replies (30) Good night (15018) Bad night (1275) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

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  (814): please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week. http://tfl.nu/2kmj
  Replies (7) Good night (3369) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
  Replies (20) Good night (7354) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
  Replies (17) Good night (12238) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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  (713): counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet. http://tfl.nu/nzku
  Replies (16) Good night (4639) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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  (617): she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her... http://tfl.nu/azzw
  Replies (21) Good night (4834) Bad night (2205) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
  Replies (21) Good night (8304) Bad night (787)
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
  Replies (19) Good night (7009) Bad night (989)
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  (831): View more from California

  I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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  (831): I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella. http://tfl.nu/sl5d
  Replies (41) Good night (4151) Bad night (2270) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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  (818): I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head. http://tfl.nu/x66l
  Replies (20) Good night (7442) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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  (919): okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth. http://tfl.nu/6w2r
  Replies (26) Good night (1331) Bad night (7272) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
  Replies (41) Good night (10354) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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  (937): after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head. http://tfl.nu/3prw
  Replies (45) Good night (10000) Bad night (3891) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
  Replies (22) Good night (10846) Bad night (732)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
  Replies (29) Good night (6385) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
  Replies (13) Good night (7095) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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  (281): Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character. http://tfl.nu/f69z
  Replies (11) Good night (7309) Bad night (971)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
  Replies (32) Good night (9168) Bad night (771)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
  Replies (18) Good night (5235) Bad night (2373) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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  (208): My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him. http://tfl.nu/oqtn
  Replies (54) Good night (11800) Bad night (1769) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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  (510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e
  Replies (20) Good night (6896) Bad night (1222) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
  Replies (28) Good night (12525) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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  (281): It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms. http://tfl.nu/ibyd
  Replies (13) Good night (4927) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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  (636): you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me. http://tfl.nu/k5hc
  Replies (4) Good night (6186) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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  (817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp
  Replies (24) Good night (7610) Bad night (824)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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  (+44): the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men. http://tfl.nu/tbrv
  Replies (19) Good night (3753) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (943): View more from

  You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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  (943): You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka http://tfl.nu/wlgo
  Replies (10) Good night (5154) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
  Replies (51) Good night (17049) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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  (858): I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way. http://tfl.nu/w85x
  Replies (26) Good night (14156) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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  (503): Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were http://tfl.nu/3ofv
  Replies (14) Good night (5488) Bad night (902) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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  (248): Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace. http://tfl.nu/fcle
  Replies (20) Good night (10039) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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  (339): He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning. http://tfl.nu/40hx
  Replies (10) Good night (1875) Bad night (5192) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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  (925): I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows http://tfl.nu/02lq
  Replies (8) Good night (3691) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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  (206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g
  Replies (17) Good night (6107) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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  (443): I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation http://tfl.nu/w8jm
  Replies (74) Good night (7263) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
  Replies (14) Good night (2119) Bad night (3411) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
  Replies (14) Good night (5665) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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  (215): the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off http://tfl.nu/gmrh
  Replies (17) Good night (5223) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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  (484): In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas. http://tfl.nu/7vr2
  Replies (11) Good night (3071) Bad night (1079) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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  (541): You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore" http://tfl.nu/euok
  Replies (12) Good night (5582) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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  (407): Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing. http://tfl.nu/4f2e
  Replies (8) Good night (4334) Bad night (699)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25289) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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  (732): There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish. http://tfl.nu/b1hn
  Replies (20) Good night (10890) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He felt like a one man threesome

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  (303): He felt like a one man threesome http://tfl.nu/1ehs
  Replies (17) Good night (8740) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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  (206): I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death http://tfl.nu/irfc
  Replies (14) Good night (3379) Bad night (1204) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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  (301): the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst" http://tfl.nu/u5av
  Replies (16) Good night (7355) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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  (401): My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets". http://tfl.nu/hqdk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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  (847): she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick. http://tfl.nu/abnm
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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  (405): also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format? http://tfl.nu/009x
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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  (618): the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux http://tfl.nu/x72r
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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  (215): we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/zo0y
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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  (906): Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore http://tfl.nu/jxvu
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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  (480): So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..." http://tfl.nu/pg8j
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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  (651): All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow. http://tfl.nu/8b4m
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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  (508): right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy." http://tfl.nu/262w
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (714): View more from California

  Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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  (714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful http://tfl.nu/3flc
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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  (647): You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep http://tfl.nu/2p4s
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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  (570): you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together http://tfl.nu/6q67
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.

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  (208): I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked. http://tfl.nu/g0yc
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (805): View more from California

  do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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  (805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands

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  (520): my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands http://tfl.nu/9efg
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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  (804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3
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  (941): View more from Florida

  can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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  (941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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  (913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast... http://tfl.nu/eo63
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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  (+61): I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy. http://tfl.nu/xos0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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  (908): There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life. http://tfl.nu/ab1p
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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  (720): I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop http://tfl.nu/llg8
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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  (336): Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her. http://tfl.nu/icjy
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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  (505): Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems http://tfl.nu/opwd
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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  (603): wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys http://tfl.nu/ak8d
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  whatd she say to you?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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  (256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table (1-256): whatd she say to you? (256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle http://tfl.nu/mg7u
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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  (610): Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it. http://tfl.nu/l5ke
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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  (850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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  (604): People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky http://tfl.nu/clbn
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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  (913): I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me http://tfl.nu/t8we
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick

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  (210): Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick http://tfl.nu/y4fo
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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  (803): It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work. http://tfl.nu/kzvl
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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  (870): you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions. http://tfl.nu/7qp6
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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  (301): I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus? http://tfl.nu/vinz
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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  (617): Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh... http://tfl.nu/to9x
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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  (902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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  (202): Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death. http://tfl.nu/mvsk
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  (845): View more from New York

  vagina is talking i cant

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  (845): vagina is talking i cant http://tfl.nu/cyjf
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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  (412): Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces" http://tfl.nu/4r9u
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight

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  (304): I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight http://tfl.nu/2lmk
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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  (609): there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them http://tfl.nu/lo0z
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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  (412): My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him. http://tfl.nu/tue9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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  (303): No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting. http://tfl.nu/foam
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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  (203): i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year http://tfl.nu/ku2e
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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  (314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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  (614): There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw http://tfl.nu/mvua
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  (716): View more from New York

  I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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  (716): I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were. http://tfl.nu/cyr9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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  (+44): I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/7cvo
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

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  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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  (717): he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob. http://tfl.nu/6ugt
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  (516): View more from New York

  you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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  (516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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  (610): I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events... http://tfl.nu/y2xk
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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  (604): Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating. http://tfl.nu/sjit
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  (858): View more from California

  you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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  (858): you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?" http://tfl.nu/xq6v
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  (661): View more from California

  No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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  (661): No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/5zs6
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  (817): View more from Texas

  maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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  (817): maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me. http://tfl.nu/m7oc
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.

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  (314): I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today. http://tfl.nu/ix6a
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  Wtf? What happened?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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  (931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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  (612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical. http://tfl.nu/d9c8
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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  (504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now http://tfl.nu/squr
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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  (832): Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house. http://tfl.nu/g0ik
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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  (321): my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high http://tfl.nu/1lyw
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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  (573): You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes. http://tfl.nu/p4s9
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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  (260): My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck http://tfl.nu/clun
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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  (770): At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit http://tfl.nu/qd4t
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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  (269): I don't know where I am but there are firefighters http://tfl.nu/dbyd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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  (902): He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock. http://tfl.nu/ce76
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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  (630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell.. http://tfl.nu/hsjq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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  (732): i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry. http://tfl.nu/ss0l
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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  (256): I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up http://tfl.nu/q8f6
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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  (814): he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/cpmo
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  (818): View more from California

  you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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  (818): you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me http://tfl.nu/nn6b
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.

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  (907): Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea. http://tfl.nu/ohgs
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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  (605): remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones http://tfl.nu/3i5q
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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  (517): I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair. http://tfl.nu/elj5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (917): View more from New York City

  It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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  (917): It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met. http://tfl.nu/1axf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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  (703): threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased. http://tfl.nu/r0ay
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  (813): View more from Florida

  That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station

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  (813): That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station http://tfl.nu/mj5u
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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  (734): dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks http://tfl.nu/2ro0
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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  (573): Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible http://tfl.nu/a2el
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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  (+64): If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/njzt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

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  (512): Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time http://tfl.nu/c4as
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

  (516): View more from New York

  was the water running?

  (917): View more from New York City

  yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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  (917): i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower. (516): was the water running? (917): yeah but he said he knows how to swim http://tfl.nu/akph
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  (817): View more from Texas

  just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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  (817): just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing. http://tfl.nu/3pw8
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  (631): View more from New York

  "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

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  (631): "fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house...... http://tfl.nu/xvur
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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  (604): Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero... http://tfl.nu/xsvf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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  (941): I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass. http://tfl.nu/wkll
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  (607): View more from New York

  he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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  (607): he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom. http://tfl.nu/mpyr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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  (970): just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address.... http://tfl.nu/ivpp
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  (516): View more from New York

  he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.

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  (516): he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time. http://tfl.nu/8o43
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  (315): View more from New York

  He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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  (315): He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic? http://tfl.nu/piwl
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Happy Birthday

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  (541): I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry. (1-541): Happy Birthday http://tfl.nu/2hsd
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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  (763): The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled. http://tfl.nu/m5fs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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  (802): I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase. http://tfl.nu/kajo
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

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  (514): She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses http://tfl.nu/tn5z
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  (831): View more from California

  I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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  (831): I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE http://tfl.nu/5c8q
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Party in the USA is so catchy!

  (863): View more from Florida

  Yea, so is AIDS.

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  (305): Party in the USA is so catchy! (863): Yea, so is AIDS. http://tfl.nu/nzzd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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  (804): I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life. http://tfl.nu/74qx
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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  (540): I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen. http://tfl.nu/c2d0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.

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  (586): Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world. http://tfl.nu/7ye4
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  my professor just said "the power of the situation"

  (216): View more from Ohio

  drink

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  (574): my professor just said "the power of the situation" (216): drink http://tfl.nu/g82n
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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  (303): I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history. http://tfl.nu/d9a3
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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  (580): i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out http://tfl.nu/gevy
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Is that considered a cock block?

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  (419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me? (937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls. (419): Is that considered a cock block? http://tfl.nu/pjdr
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Mom wtf!?

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  (407): Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :) (1-407): Mom wtf!? http://tfl.nu/scw1
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  (949): View more from California

  i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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  (949): i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph? http://tfl.nu/h05l
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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  (630): his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass http://tfl.nu/ujep
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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  (540): Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift? http://tfl.nu/ixd3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  wasnt he a virgin

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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  (732): we just fucked in the mcds parking lot (1-732): wasnt he a virgin (732): yes we got celebratory milkshakes after http://tfl.nu/wnnd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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  (781): my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about http://tfl.nu/1vap
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  (714): View more from California

  after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

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  (714): after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles http://tfl.nu/o8dc
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  (916): View more from California

  He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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  (916): He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car. http://tfl.nu/y9if
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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  (704): First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka. http://tfl.nu/gxhu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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  (330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.

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  (610): Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot. http://tfl.nu/czov
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

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  (303): I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid. http://tfl.nu/8g2q
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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  (816): Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it http://tfl.nu/hlut
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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  (270): Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend. http://tfl.nu/ihwe
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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  (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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  (207): I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid. http://tfl.nu/67sh
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