dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
