I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It's Friday. Sex?
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So how was he last night?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.