I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
look no pants
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.